Chamomile Smile

I wrote the poem below one day, in the rawness of shock and grief of the loss of my little baby boy, in the second trimester of my first and, so far, only pregnancy. One of the many things I learnt through this life-changing experience is quite how common loss of a baby is, whether through miscarriage or termination. It is an experience that many mothers share because, yes, I feel like a mother, even though I never got to meet my baby properly. I still feel connected to his spirit and I think about him probably most days, maybe every day. And, regardless of how a baby is lost, the grief is still the same. The body remembers and its shock at loss needs to be tended to. I’ve spent the last year tending to the shock, trauma and grief held within my body and it’s been a profound journey. I feel different on the other side. More mature, more humble, and more compassionate and understanding about the huge vulnerability and courage that being a mother entails. So, anyhow, in the spirit of breaking taboos and speaking honestly about my experiences, in the hope this gives others permission to share, where that would be healing for them, I share the poem I wrote for my little boy here, with deep gratitude and love for his immense spirit. He first came to me just when the chamomile and daisy flowers were bursting forth their happy yellow and white carpet and so, to me, his essence feels like the same kind of joyful, playful energy of optimism and radiant, inclusive love.

Chamomile Smile

We said ‘yes’ to the universe
And you hurtled into our lives.
A boat-rocking catalyst,
With some high cosmic vibes.

You shook things up,
Inside and out.
You knew you weren’t here for long
So you packed a big clout.

You were our master teacher,
Such a wise old soul.
You knew we had tough lessons to learn
If we wanted to be whole.

So you turned our worlds upside down
Made us face up to our pain.
We learnt to do things differently
And turn loss into gain.

You opened our hearts
Showed us how to love even more.
What a gift you have been,
Even though the lessons are still raw.

Such a precious being
So beautiful and rare.
But a long life together
Wasn’t ours to share.

But I’ll always be grateful
For the time we had.
You helped me be a mum,
And for that I am glad.

I will always love you,
You’ll be always in my heart.
And we’ll meet again one day
When we return to the start.

I’m so grateful you blessed us
With your wisdom and love.
But now it’s time to let you go
So you can return to your home above.

We will always be your mum and dad
And you will always be our child.
We’ll sing you home on the evening breeze
And forever more see you in the chamomile smile.

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